My Journey (Stage 3)
For the most part these are, again, notes as I wrote them at the time.
After going to bed at 3.30, I awoke at 6.30 and lay for another hour dozing. On becoming fully awake, I thought "I've lost it. That is far too much sleep and I was dozing and daydreaming. I thought one was either asleep or fully awake."
Thought: I spent all day yesterday being fully 'here'. How am I feeling now? Is there any trace of worry?
Any anxiety, perhaps a smidgen of concern?
No perhaps not.
So, I spent all day yesterday experiencing absolute happiness, every moment was a perfect joy and exquisite ecstasy and now I am complaining because I am only perfectly happy.
Yep, that's it.
So it's back to striving to be 'there' is it?. Remember, there is no effort involved in being 'here'. Effort is only required for the futile attempt to get 'there'. So, 'How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?'
I now understand Divine Bliss, Enlightenment etc.. or, at least something of them. From where I am now it would be seductively easy to go down that route - it looks so beautiful and blissful.
I teeter on the edge. I know that any effort made has exactly the opposite effect and pushes me further away, in an inverse square ratio. I very gently contemplate how I am experiencing this moment in being alive. I made an effort! - take three paces back. Remain contemplating, not trying to get anywhere - where can I be other than here and now. It is so obvious - and impossible to do, which is the whole point - there is nothing to do. It is there right in front of one and even the slightest glance, a hint of movement and it slips away.
Lost it again. Try 'How am I' with no obvious result. Start to ponder some questions about what I was writing yesterday and 'terms of reference'. Writing to Richard about it, I am suddenly 'here' once more. Yet again, 'I' was making an effort to get here. Writing all this down does seem to be of immense benefit, for me. Somehow it gets one focused. Yes, maybe that is it. Pondering a question like 'And, if it is irrevocable now, then it is irrevocable for eternity, for it is always now', which was where I had got to, puts 'me' in a blue funk, because 'I' have no answer.
A lot of a feeling of pressure in the head. It is almost (but not) like the 'stress headband' tightening - I know all about how that feels.
So if 'I' have ceased to exist, what am I now? I feel no sense of the 'soul', which Richard talks about. Who is thinking these thoughts?
Something is happening. I am feeling tired and listless, so I go about the routine tasks, which require doing and wait for whatever comes up. Maybe it was "Who is thinking these thoughts?" above? Yes, that could be it. 'I' almost had a shivering fit and there was a thought to give this up until later, when the shop is closed. It is important, when dealing with these things not to oppose anything, which comes up. Opposition merely strengthens the feeling, just observe what is happening. Who is observing?
I am measuring how well I am doing by the amount of sleep I am having. If it were practical, I would stop every clock and watch. I have a chortle at the thought of 'me' thinking on awakening - "What time is it now? Is it four o'clock, six o'clock? What is it? Where is the sun? 'I' need to know."
It was doubt creeping in again yesterday.
You felt good yesterday morning. You feel OK now don't you. Do you really believe it is possible to live like that 24 hours a day.
Yes, it is possible and it is what I know I am going to achieve.
You know it is not possible. You have found only one person, one person in the whole world, who you think lives like that and you do not agree with some of what he has written and are beginning to have doubts that he is experiencing the same. If it were possible, there would be many people living like that. Why has Richard not managed to persuade others. He admits they are "thin on the ground". Why?
Maybe Richard is wrong - so what? I know from my experience what is possible. No-one can take that experience away.
What good did it do you. Where did it get you.
It got me here. Guess what - I'm here again.
So, let's deal with these curved balls from yesterday:
Who is thinking these thoughts and having these experiences?
Why I am, of course. That is, this brain is having these thoughts and this body is having these experiences - and what a great marvel, delight and joy it is to be doing so. These fingers type the words on the keyboard and what an incredible thing to be able to do! These eyes take delight in admiring the graceful beauty of the pair of siskins at the bird table outside the window. What an amazing thing to be able to do.
Why don't you live in the real world?
Oh, you mean the one filled with jealousy and fear, wars and famines. I'll stay right 'here' thank you very much.
You have not heard from Richard again.
No and I am not sure I want to at the moment. 'I' will only try to use it in some perverted manner. Mind you I know he will not say anything to give 'me' animation*. Look at the funk 'I' got in when he said "It's par for the course". You wanted to be special - "I'm doing better than that, I'm way ahead". Who wanted to go for an eagle? Who was being clever?
* I thought I meant to type "ammunition" and thought I had, until reading this just now, interesting.
Don't send any more of this stuff. He's laughing at you.
You bet he is. He must be rolling about at some of this stuff. It's giving me a good giggle too. And that is all it is - stuff - it means absolutely nothing.
What if you are wrong?
I do not care if I am 'wrong' or not. It makes no difference. What I am doing is experiencing a PCE for as much of the time as I can, with the intention of living in actual freedom. I know exactly where I am going.
You'll never make it.
How can I make it anywhere when I am already here.
This is getting boring
Who is getting boring? I'm not going anywhere.
It doesn't mean anything.
You are absolutely right. It means nothing at all.
You should be there by now.
How can I be 'there', when I am here.
You may know all the 'right' answers, but you are not 'there', are you?
No. I am here.
Isn't life incredible. After getting up (well it would be difficult to do before getting up) I was sitting with my orange juice, almost feeling miserable. Where was the delight in being alive, that wonderful joy in every moment? Gone again! After half an hour of 'trying' to get it back, I gave up and started in on repairing the washing machine. That done, I set about persuading the back door that it was all right for it to give up sticking and requiring all one's strength to wrench it open.
While doing this I started to consider my reply to a question I had been asked on a mail forum. I have an idea of how I will reply. I start to write something. Another thought occurs. This leads to another thought. I start to become fascinated and become completely absorbed. Suddenly 'here' I am again.
How much of our lives do we spend sitting around 'wanting' and 'waiting'. It is so stupid and so easy to do.
I do not have any sense of the 'soul' which Richard talks about. I understand what he says but cannot get it. Maybe the 'soul' is what is trying to understand what the soul is?
Discovered a reply from someone else on the mail forum this morning and was so delighted, I started writing a reply straight away. I became completely enthralled with what I was writing as I developed my reply. This was so right! And suddenly 'here' I was again. The 'shivers of delight' - I was so close, again! Am I still 'trying' to get 'there'? How does one 'just let go' - by just letting go, of course.
May have experienced what the 'soul' is. I was considering whether I would keep sending all of this stuff to Richard and thought. Yes, he can do what he likes with it, but it would be nice for some record of this to exist, in case I go under a bus - some of it could be very useful to others (this followed on from an earlier e-mail, where I was sharing my experience to encourage another). I thought, "this is my legacy", followed by "who is this 'my'?" "Who is leaving this legacy?" I did not experience it as the 'soul' but it is definitely worth further contemplation.
Once this body is dead, there is no 'me' to leave anything. 'I' will never have existed. Yes, I sense a definite 'my'ness in there somewhere. These writings are not 'mine'. These discoveries are not 'mine'. This existence is not 'mine', it is just existence - and just writings - and just discoveries - and has no meaning. The meaning of life is there is no meaning.
Once this body is dead there is no 'me'. So where does 'me' exist now? In 'my' head - and if there is no one for this head to belong to? 'Me' does not exist now. 'Me' is an artificial concept. Or is this all a construct of mine in a desperate attempt to 'try' to get 'there'. Am 'I' imagining this? Who is doing the constructing? Who is the construct? 'I' think 'my' thoughts. Who is this 'my'? Who do they belong to? Whose face is this?
How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?
I hardly asked myself that yesterday. I had gone beyond it and spent the entire day, either 'wanting' or 'waiting' to be 'there'. In other words anywhere but here!
When I did ask the question, the emphasis was on the 'How'. Trying to work out the manner or method, whereby the experience was taking place and completely ignoring the experience! I found the 'real' world and people in the shop to be very wearying. I did not want to be here. I wanted to be writing, thinking, reflecting, working on the computer, walking the dog - definitely not stuck here in the shop. So, of course, I wasn't here.
So: How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?
Within an hour or two, I am back in touch with paying attention to what is occurring.
Have been considering this morning why I am not living in this moment. Yesterday was spent visiting relatives in Scotland, so the whole day was spent living in the 'real' world. Perhaps it is this playing a 'role', and not sharing with others who I am, which gets one out of touch with what is - one gets 'stuck' in the 'real' world and it takes attention and concentration to get back to just being.
What a devious, cunning little bastard 'I' am. Guess who was sitting back, with no beliefs, no emotions - "Ain't I clever" - 'waiting' for something to happen.
Shortly after awaking this morning, I heard a strange noise downstairs. It was undoubtedly just the dog moving about. However, living above a Post Office, one is extra vigilant, as one is aware that not all citizens of this world are as altruistic as oneself. There was none of the usual feeling of fear, the rush of adrenaline, that usually accompanies hearing such a noise.
Now awake one contemplates for a short while. There is no sense of the joy or exhilaration, one normally feels in a PCE. It is as though a conversation is taking place, but with only one person conversing.
Well it looks as though 'I' have taken control again - are you there 'I'?
OK let's winkle 'him' out. "What am I experiencing in this moment of being alive?"
Not a lot.
OK contemplate the PCE
Ah, what was that around about the heart area. Was it a feeling? There is a sense of the crowds parting to await the feeling, like waiting for the first marathon runner to appear.
There! - that was definitely a sense of disappointment!
Maybe that was a sense of disappointment that there was no sense of disappointment.
Didn't Richard write of a two dimensional place. Perhaps this is it. Let's get up and read about it.
Who wants to get up and read about it
There, that was somebody getting bored!
Who is thinking this?
One has only had 3 hours sleep, perhaps one is tired?
Who is tired?
Look this is interesting. Let's write it down.
Who is interested?
Maybe this is an 'I' trick. One attempts to winkle 'him' out again - Nothing.
Somebody must be doing this thinking.
Yes, this brain
So who decides to have a thought
That's a good one. I don't know the answer.
Who doesn't know the answer?
Oh, we are back here again. Ah - that was definitely a bit of impatience!
Eventually one gets up and comes downstairs, pours a glass of fresh orange juice, wants a cigarette.
Who wants it?
Let's warm up the computer and look for this two dimensional thing. Anyway, there may be an email from Richard.
Could that have been excitement, anticipation?
Having just read Article 26 of Richard's journal, it does not seem that this is the two dimensional place he mentions - one certainly has no desire to escape from here and return to 'reality'. Is this another of 'my' tricks? One will continue plugging away and contemplating the PCE and accept whatever happens. Perhaps the second battle has already commenced?
A sudden realisation. If I am not completely satisfied with where I am now, 'I' am trying to achieve something which is not here and now, so it is unachievable. It appears one must remain absolutely vigilant - keep asking "What am I experiencing in this moment of being alive?" Watch the answer. Do not make any effort to puzzle it out, just watch the answer. Keep asking and watching and something will come up, as above. At the very moment you start to think something like "Well that's it, I got here, there is no need to say it any more" or "What is the point of saying this" or "this is boring" or "what does it mean" or "what am I supposed to answer" - that is the time you just need to keep on going. I know, I have been through them all (and there are plenty more variations).
I tell you, the sound of one hand clapping is a piece of cake compared to this.
I can see 'me' as the person desperately seeking approval, the person frantically dashing about in a futile attempt to discover what is 'right', what is the 'correct' thing to do, the person saying "tell Richard that, then he will know you have got it". 'Me' is the person desperate to get "there", to do anything at all to save 'his' existence. 'Me' is the person who wants to be special, to have some sort of acknowledgement, any sort of acknowledgement.
And saying all of the above is only 'my' attempt to gain approval.
And saying that was only 'my' attempt to show that 'I' knew that.
Reading the end of Article 16, I suddenly got what 'I' am doing. Accepting that death is final means that to avoid 'my' extinction, 'I' am desperately trying to be 'here' - it is the only thing left for 'me' to do to attempt to secure 'my' survival.
Everything 'I' do is only done to perpetuate 'my' existence. Writing this, thinking "I am on the right track, Richard will be so pleased with me", thinking itself, "being" - all of it is done, solely for 'my' continued existence.
I am again in touch with that pure intent, which 'I' had conveniently managed to forget, again the shiver of delight, excitement and fear courses through my veins. I have engaged in the guerrilla war - every sentence in Richard's journal which 'connects' is another arrow straight into the heart of 'my' 'being'. I do not delude myself that 'I' am finished - but I have become aware of the subversive action in progress and have joined swords, with gusto.
Today, for the first time, I managed to induce several PCE's!!!!!! Like now (and here) LOL. It's so easy (and yet so difficult).
It was reading Article 19 that did it, this time, and asking the question:
How can one have a conviction it is possible, born out of one's PCE, without a belief it is possible? And maybe I have just answered my own question.
I certainly did, which was also what Article 19 was about, of course. The feeling of 'love' I described previously, in the heart, solar plexus region, appears to have been fear, as I experienced it earlier today. I suddenly 'got' there was no one here to experience this fear - shivers of delight/fear all over, especially up the spine, culminating in the brain stem. Then, I guess, 'I' tried to make something "turn over". It has, however, proved remarkably easy to be 'here' again. Whether it will continue to be so, who knows and what does it matter. The conviction and determination has been rediscovered.
The second battle has been won. Let the next battle commence and off we go.
Ain't life grand!!!!!!!!!
I am sitting in the garden starting this at almost 8 p.m. It is the first chance of sitting out for several weeks and glorious it is indeed. The sun casts a wondrous light over the proceedings, the birds sing, two swallows sit on the telephone line, the glass of malt whisky is slowly disappearing (and as it is my second I can afford no more - already I find an unwelcome effect on the senses.
The joy of being alive is almost so good as to be unbearable.
This morning I am back to enjoying life and being here, despite having to spend the last 3 hours or so and much of last night, replacing stock order files, which I mistakenly erased. It is such a marvellous condition to not be upset by whatever occurs and just to enjoy it. The 'shiver of delight' is back this morning and I experience it as that - delight and excitement. I can detect no trace of fear - a daring and audaciousness, a 'skip of a heartbeat'. All these are symptomatic of fear so Richard is correct - "this is what I often refer to as fear having a thrilling aspect ... and thrilling is a delicious excitement that can transport you to being here now. By focussing more on the thrilling part of fear - rather than the fear itself which usually dominates - that very energy does the trick and one rides the wave of delight/fear through to the "Promised Land". (Joke)".
I focus on increasing pure intent - the sensation is so exquisite.
WOW!!!!!!!! and here I am again - here, where, of course, I have always been.
I am now out walking the dog and suddenly 'got' the universe experiencing me. Only for a split second. The wind was blowing through the ferns, a chain saw was buzzing in the distance, I was focussing on pure intent (or something). A very peculiar sensation in the brain stem, or where I imagine the brain stem to be - at the back of the head. A prickling, tingling, pressure sensation and suddenly I was the ferns, the wind, the chain saw. I was them and they were me.
Wanted to get something down before forgetting it. Thoughts and ideas form at such speed that it is impossible to keep up with them all, far less write them down. Life has become so simple, the most complex of ideas become absurdly easy to understand. Nearly everything I do or read, interactions with others, causes a train of thought, pursuit of an idea, exploration of what is occurring. I spent several hours yesterday (my day off) writing material for my web site, it is so easy to write. Making it readable and putting it into a sensible order is much more difficult.
Still having difficulty accepting giving up <name deleted>. I understand only too well what she is going through (the human condition, as Richard calls it) and it is painful to experience. The attacks and comments, in an attempt to get 'me' back, made out of fear and loneliness. 'I' still hope she will join me and 'I' am using this as an excuse for not putting the house and business up for sale. Also the knowledge that this action will cause her yet more grief. On the other hand, delaying the sale only prolongs her hope that 'I' will return and everything will be 'normal' again.
I started this process yesterday. I was troubled, so decided "Let's get this feeling or whatever out on the table and have a look at it". Went through a lot of 'stuff' - at one point 'I' got completely wrapped up in "What is going to happen to the dog?" until I suddenly got the absurdity of it - here I am about to dispose of a house 'I' adore, a business 'I' enjoy and end 'my' 20 year relationship and 'my' biggest worry is what is going to happen to the dog!!! All of it is, of course, only 'me', desperately clutching at straws in a last ditch attempt to save 'my' 'self'. Likewise the pangs of doubt - pretty weak efforts, though they were.
Richard is right - it does take "nerves of steel", but the rewards are already a million times greater than what it has been necessary to go through.
I was thinking of the psychiatrists I have seen, following my 'breakdowns'. The one who was convinced I was an alcoholic and simply would not let it go. I knew I was not an alcoholic. I did not need a drink - I was drinking in an attempt to escape 'reality'. I knew how it was possible to live and yet, here I was, stuck in a miserable existence - the human condition - and I drank to obliterate it and 'get out of it'. He was one of the 'top men', at one of the most expensive private hospitals in Britain, where one hears of all the pop stars etc. going. And he was absolutely useless! People had to fit into boxes (diagnoses) and if they did not he could not 'treat' them. I am sure he was extremely knowledgeable about all the different boxes and the 'cures' for each, but he knew absolutely nothing about what life is actually about.
The NHS psychiatrist I had seen some years previously was much more aware. I had been going to him for some time and, only now, recall that he was the first person I explained to in some detail, what I had previously experienced (the expensive one never found out and never wanted to find out) and we had some very interesting discussions. So for the first time I was exploring what had happened to me, sharing it with another and admitting I wanted that experience again. This is what must have 'triggered' my second experience of actual freedom. I have been puzzling over what 'caused' that experience and the enquiring etc. must have had a lot to do with it.
I was happily reading "questions and answers number 8" and thinking "yes, I recognise that", "I understand that better now", then came to a bit about the pressure feeling in the back of the head ,which I have been feeling for some days now (which I had put down to 'stress) and as I continued reading the pressure seemed to intensify. I thought "oh yes that is 'me' doing that because 'I' think it is the 'right' thing to do, because I have just read about it". Suddenly doubt (angst) hit me a complete whammy - "How can I ever know whether what is happening is real?" This was closely followed by the realisation:
"'I' can never know whether anything that occurs is actual or a product of 'my' machinations, because anything I think is a product of 'my' thinking, so it is all a sham. 'I' will never, ever, know the answer."
This hit me like a ton of bricks.
Suddenly 'I' could see that 'I' was all that was standing in the way of being here and always would be. I had read this (or variations) many times - there is no comparison between reading (and intellectually understanding) something like this and seeing (getting) it.
Now I know what 'me' feeling wobbly is.
Whatever 'process' (if it is a process) started last night has continued today and intensified on my walk with the dog this morning. Strange sensations, mainly 'pressure' in the head and all the time the question "is this an actual process or something 'I' am making up". The realisation that everything which occurs is just something 'I' am making up and, though real, it is not actual. At one stage, when very intense, I pick up a stone and clutch it desperately for the knowledge that the stone actually exists. The pain in my hand, when I clutch the stone tightly, is an actual pain. Everything else is an illusion. All I have lived for 46 years is an illusion.
'I' desperately want a reply from Richard and now I know the reason why - to verify whether the process is actually happening. 'I' cannot accept that 'I' will never know the answer.
The apparent end of the process is the realisation that all that was occurring was a process and completely meaningless - just part of 'my' antics. I am this body, experiencing the universe experiencing itself as a sensate human being - nothing else. Anything else which occurs is 'me' doing something - being special, seeking approval, verification of 'my' existence. All of the heart palpitations, light headedness, everything else is an illusion - a very real illusion. I am this body and that is all - and what a thing to be! I have eyes that can see, hands that can feel, ears that can hear, legs that can walk - all of this is absolutely incredible, yet for most of the time is ignored or taken for granted.
At one stage it was as if I was detached, watching what I was doing and what I was thinking. When I spoke it seemed as though there was one person doing the speaking and a completely different person doing the listening. Then the realisation "who is doing the watching?" And "who is thinking who is doing the watching?" It is all, including this realisation, just 'me' being 'me'. It is quite a shock to discover who 'I' am is actually nothing.
There was an intensifying of the 'process' last night - increased heart palpitations, angst and 'head exploding'. It is all such a load of nonsense - 'me' facing up to the fact that 'I' do not actually exist. Even typing these words produces the same sensations. An interesting observation is that these 'symptoms' only intensify at convenient times, or is it that when little activity is taking place 'I' have time to ponder on what is occurring? Even when intense, it remains possible to carry on with normal activities.
At times there is a "click" at the base of the scull. This occurs when contemplating what life is about and it seems to be physical and audible. That is all the sensation is - a "click". What it is, I have no idea and it is, of course, quite possible that it is simply 'me' trying like hell to make something happen.
I have always had a sense of being answerable for my actions to someone or something. Initially seen as parental, it can also be viewed as conscience, or taking it one step further 'god', by whatever name. This morning I suddenly 'got' that I am not answerable to anyone. There is no mummy or daddy or Big Mummy or Big Daddy watching over me ready to pick up any mistake I make, any 'wrong' action. There are no 'hellish realms' awaiting. I am responsible only to myself for all of my actions. And what a freedom this realisation gives.
We have a lovely elderly collie, who now has very weak back legs. As I was coming out the door, I did not realise he was following me and the door closed on his back leg, to a lot of whimpering and crying. There was none of the 'usual' feelings of panic, fear, and horror. One took in immediately what had happened and took appropriate action. Can you imagine what a boon this is. In an emergency one assesses the situation in an instant - there is nothing getting in the way of seeing the reality of the situation - and takes appropriate action.
I no longer care what anyone thinks of me, including 'my' self. Can you imagine what a freedom this gives one?
I have just been watching a discussion programme on the TV. There has been an outcry over a book, recently published, about the life of a child murderess. The problem seems to have been that the murderess received money for co-operating with the author, but this was not entirely clear as their were as many views of what was 'wrong' as there were participants. Entrenched position battled entrenched position, with no hope of anyone persuading anyone else of the validity of their cause. I found it most amusing.
It all went to illustrate the hopelessness of the human condition. The act of opposition only serves to give encouragement to the very thing being opposed. The only way one can do anything about what is happening in the world is to take absolute responsibility for oneself.
Not for me this 'turn the other cheek' business - someone slaps my cheek and they are likely to be floored.
It is Sunday today, an opportunity to carry out some jobs which need doing. I decide to persuade the back door that it should give up those terrible noises it is making, whenever it is opened or closed, a task which currently takes almost all of one's strength. The door proved a worthy adversary.
I take the door down, plane the bottom and re-hang it - worse than before. I repeat the exercise. Now it will not even close. Further investigation reveals that the cause is completely rotten wood, which is giving insufficient support to the bottom piece, allowing it to drop down too far. Six hours later the door is back up, opening and closing with a push of a finger. I am well satisfied with my afternoon's work.
Previously, at the first failed attempt, I would have become irritable. At the second failure I would have become a bit angrier. Before long, I would either have given up and called up a local workman or, more likely, ended up trying to solve the problem with a sledge hammer, then calling the workman. Most of the afternoon would have been spent resenting what I was doing, thinking of activities I would rather be engaged in and wishing I had never started. In other words feeling miserable.
As 'I' no longer exist to have these feelings, the afternoon was spent in enjoying what was occurring 'here and now'. The weather was ideal for the task, with the sun shining sufficiently often to stop one being too cold. The birds went about their task of gathering nest building materials, joyfully proclaiming their success and whereabouts to others and occasionally stopping to feed at the bird table, only feet from where I was working. I had ample time to reflect further on several topics I was considering and to make notes in my journal, while enjoying several well earned cups of tea. All in all a delightful afternoon.
I just stood on something in the shop and reached down and scraped it off with my hand. Too late, I realised it was a dog turd - occasionally he gets a bit stuck in his fur and it can drop off anywhere. So, there I am, muck all over my hand and shoe and the incredible thing was, I felt no revulsion or disgust, not an inkling. There was simply dog shit on my hand and shoe, which needed to be dealt with.
To know one can walk into any situation, any group of people, without fear or apprehension is a most estimable condition. Knowing that one will deal with whatever occurs, whatever reaction one encounters, gives one a marvellous sense of freedom.
Deep in the psyche lies a belief that someone can supply the answers.
We are each on our own. No one else can solve our problems, no one else can tell us what to do, no one else can help. There is no one to 'turn to', no one who's approval will 'make it all better'. It is entirely up to oneself what one makes of one's life and what one does with it. When one 'gets' this and accepts that one is truly alone, one is then able to discover what one actually is.
There is no one here to be here, there is only being here (and that is without any 'being'). In fact one has always been here, for there is nowhere else to be and it has always been now, for there is nowhen else to be. Pure contemplation involves no effort, only conviction. Any thought like "Yes this is it" is 'me' yet again trying to make something happen. Any 'belief' that 'I' can get 'there' is only that, a belief. I found contemplating the question "How can I possibly be here" of assistance in exposing this belief.
"I think therefore I am", is fatally flawed. Where did Descartes get the 'therefore' from? The correct statement is "I think I am" and sometimes "I think I AM". This leads to "I believe I am" or "I believe I AM" and is the root cause of all the problems which beset humankind. The correct conclusion is "I think I am, therefore I am suffering from the illusion, or delusion, that I actually exist when, in fact, all I am is a product of my own imagination".
I have continued to explore an actual freedom from the human condition and now live what is described as virtual freedom – feeling good each moment again.
There is no fear or apprehension about what the future holds. Whatever is going to happen, will happen and I have no idea what that will be. This is not anything like a belief in predestination. I am, for the first time in my life, completely in control of my destiny. I decide exactly what I am going to do, virtually uninfluenced by beliefs, approval seeking or desires. All decisions and choices are made at this moment, now. I have virtually no prejudices, instructions, ego influencing my decision. I am truly free to take whatever action I choose.
As I write this, shivers of ecstatic delight course through the body, exemplifying the absolute joy it is to be alive at this moment in time and this place in space. It was worth one hundred, one thousand, one million times the temporary discomforts, to discover what life is actually about.
The journey is the escapade of a lifetime, a thrilling voyage of discovery, which far surpasses any now trivial physical adventure, such as discovering the North Pole or climbing Everest.
Life was meant to be fun.